Signs From Ben's Spirit
Saturday, August 29th 2009 @ 9:55 PM (not yet rated)
Sign Posts Along the Way
Losing a child has got to be the most painful experience that any human being must endure. I can honestly say, that my heart is broken in a million pieces. I am completely and utterly grateful for the stream of signs I have received from my sons spirit since his passing. He has provided me with a continuous stream of reminders that spirit lives on and is never completely separate from us. The body is a vehicle for our spirit to experience a series of life lessons, and once we have completed our mission, we leave our bodies and go back to the one. Although my son is no longer in body, he is clearly still here.
Pennies from Heaven?
The first signs of Ben's presence in physical form was the appearance of quarters placed precariously where I would find them. Several nights after Ben passed, my sister Lyndsey decided to call a group of women together from her song circle days while living on the East Coast several years ago. Many women came to gather to sing our heart songs for Ben, to support me in my process of grief and loss and to reconnect to their sisters in song.
One of the women in our group told me Ben had come to her. She said he told her he would let me know he was still with me by showing me quarters. I went home that evening, pulled back the sheets of my bed, and there in the center, lay my first quarter from heaven. I received many more in the days following. I would find them in my car, placed perfectly in the center on my seat, in the dryer, on my night stand, always a single quarter placed strategically so I would find it.
I have come to know over the years as a psychic/medium that spirit will always find a way to communicate through whatever is recognizable to the person still on earth. I wasn't surprised that Benjamin would choose the larger of the coins on the earth plane. He always wanted the best of everything. A penny or a dime just wasn't good enough. Quarter's it is!
Ask & You Shall Receive
I would lie in bed at night wondering what other form Benjamin would take to communicate with me. I have always identified with animals and have received many messages throughout my life from animal medicine. I decided if Ben showed himself to me in the form of an animal, it would either be a cow or a turtle. Both of these animals were significant in our lives.
We left for Florida several days following Ben's funeral to give ourselves some much needed space to heal and reconnect as a family of four. We invited Mike's friend Chris and Jenna's friend Maddie to join us. Once settled in our timeshare, we began the new journey of life without Ben. As you can imagine, a giant hole has been left in the fabric of our family. I wanted desperately to feel him, hear his voice, see his presence in some way, shape or form.
One night before going to bed, I asked his spirit to bring me a sign. I was awakened at 5:30 the next morning by the sound of his voice in my head. He said, "mom, get up". A little annoyed by the time of day, I told him to get back to me later. Some things never change. Ben, as he was on the earth plane, was still very persistent in the spirit world. He continued to nudge me out of bed. At 6:15 I heard him say again, "mom, get up, your going to miss it". That was all I needed to hear. I dragged myself out of bed, threw on some clothes and sneakers and decided to take a walk. I left through the back porch out of concern for making too much noise and waking my sleeping teens.
Just before swinging the door open, I noticed a presence at the door. Sitting so close to the screen his beak nearly touched it was a huge duck. I bent down and said, "hey, what's up doc?" Moments later, tears flew to my eyes! Ofcourse, Benjamin would show himself as a duck. How could I have forgotten. He talked like Donald Duck from the time he was a kid until his dying day. I ran inside screaming, "it's Benjamin, it's Benjamin. He came to visit us." My sleepy teens began to drag themselves out of bed, along with their dad.
Pictures, tears, amazement, gratitude and genuine connection was the order of the day for the next hour. We hung out with our duck until we were satisfied. He just waddled around, happy to be with us and even happier to receive some breakfast from Jenna. We noticed that the duck had a wound all the way around his neck. If you recall, my son Benjamin hung himself. Astounding! We have the pictures to prove it!
Finally, the kids decided it was much too early to continue the day and off to bed they went. I was so jazzed and wide awake, I chose to go for a walk instead. This time, I left through the front door. Not more than 100 ft. along the road, sitting in the middle of a giant puddle in the center of the street was, you guessed it, another duck! He had me covered at both ends.
This duck was threatening to fly away from the moment I encountered him. He had been waiting there for some time I am sure. I fiddled with my phone desperately trying to figure out how to take this second ducks picture. I begged Ben to find a way to keep the duck there until I mastered my picture taking capability. The duck continued to flap his wings, but stayed in place. Finally, I figured it out and said, "ok, ducky, now you can shake your tail feathers" and lo and behold, he gave me a full wing span for which I have the picture to prove it. Those were the only two ducks I witnessed on the entire vacation.
The Power of Forgiveness
We still had several days left in Florida and spent many days scouting around the Orlando area, dropping the kids off at the sights, visiting local beaches and rummaging through the myriad of stores in the area. One day, we stopped at a flea market. I needed to pee and told the gang I would find them later. I started off for the nearest bathroom.
Years ago, when my father died, he gifted me with his only possession in life. It was a black onyx elephant with ivory tusks that was the last remaining of many artifacts his mother had brought back from the orient in her early days of travel as a young woman. Mind you, I am the fifth child, of six. Not to mention a girl. I thought father's passed family heirlooms on to their sons. I was perplexed at the time and thought it was quite odd for my father to choose me as the ambassador of his sole prize possession. Anyway, I sat with this elephant for a couple of years.
My brother Mark, who at the time my father died was the black sheep of the family, did not join his siblings for his fathers funeral. One day, while sitting in meditation on my front porch, I received a direct channel from what felt like angels speaking through me. I transcribed a letter to my brother Mark with clear instructions to send this letter with the elephant to him. The letter was about giving the burdens of the past to the elephant through forgiveness.
A year later, my grandmother died at 98. By the grace of God, Mark showed up in upstate New York for her memorial. After 15 years, my mother finally had all 6 of her children in the same room. The first thing Mark said to me when we saw each other was, "thank you for the elephant." That was all he needed to say for me to know that it was impactful. The elephant had brought him home.
Since then, I have stopped at every shop I have encountered where carved elephants with tusks of bone (no longer ivory) are created. I have wanted to replace the elephant that was gifted to me by my father since I gave his to Mark. Here I was, in this flea market, headed straight for the bathroom, when I came upon a giant section filled with Aftrican carvings. I was immediately met by the owner of the shop who had been carving since he was three years old. He was deeply authentic and very moved by my story of my search for the perfect elephant and the loss of my son to suicide. Before I knew it, he had found for me the perfect replacement. He needed to secure a pair of tusks to the piece I chose and I finally made my way to the bathroom.
Upon my return, Tom was now at the register preparing to pay for the elephant and talking with the shop owner. He was telling Tom a story when I arrived. He said he was a visionary and had brought many messages to his customers over the years. He reflected on his most recent vision. He had told a woman the year before that she was going to have a daughter in the month of September after many, many years of not being able to get pregnant. He told the woman to come back and tell him if his vison came to pass. Days before our meeting with him, he was visited by the woman and baby girl who had been born as he said, in September. He told us he needed to share this story with us so we would know he was credible and gifted at his ability to see the future.
He then turned directly to me. He looked deep into my eyes and gave me the following message. He said, "you have been struggling for a very, very long time. You have been trying desperately to pull others toward you to share your gifts with the world." He said, "you are now coming into much good luck. The days of struggle are over. I see you on a platform and many, many people are coming to hear you. Your coming into much good fortune." To which my husband then replied, "Oh,you see her on Oprah too." Another sign post from spirit.
Trusting the Process
After our return from Florida, life became more difficult. The hundreds of people who came to support us through this tragic loss began to fade into the woodwork. We were now back to the day to day of life without Ben. The four of us each needed to find within ourselves the strength to overcome this missing piece that had taken so much space within our world for so long. The more time passed, the deeper the grief was felt. Ofcourse, this had to be the summer we received 30 days of straight rain. Try going through grief with a constant blanket of darkness all aroundyou. It was tough. Feeling more and more disconnected from Benjamin, I was desperate to feel his presence once again.
One this particular evening, I was scheduled months before Ben died to attend the yearly women's conference for the Dream Factory Community, a local networking group for women entrepreneurs. I decided to go to get out of the house and reconnect with some of the amazing women I have networked with over the years. The conference started on Friday night and ended the following afternoon. Most years, I stayed the night, but this year, I decided to go home. It was raining, or shall I say, pouring buckets all the way home.
I called Tom to check in and he shared with me a new realization. He had been looking at Ben's suicide note and noticed that Ben had written it and then folded it in half. On the back side of the note was the last words to be expressed by my beautiful boy. He said, "Good Bye Family, I love you!" That evening, I cried and cried and cried! The world cried with me as the rain fell throughout the night to meet me in my pain.
The next day, I decided to drag myself out of bed and go back to the conference. I asked Ben to show himself to me that morning before leaving for Framingham. I was running late and knew I had missed the breakfast being served, so I pulled into Honey Dew Donuts to get a croissant. At the time, I hadn't thought of the significance of Honey Dew Donuts. Ben used to be addicted to the blueberry donuts there and would have meltdowns on many occasions if I didn't stop to get him one.
So here I was, pulling through the drive thru at Honey Dew Donuts sitting waiting for my order when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a huge snapping turtle transversing the curb onto the pavement right next to me. There was my sign. It was the turtle I had been waiting for since Ben's passing. For many years, when Ben was upset or scared, he would pull his shirt over his head and say, "I am going in my turtle shell." To him, it represented protection. He and I also saved a snapping turtle on the side of the road one afternoon years ago.
The turtle was two feet from my car at this point and his head was facing away from me. I rolled down my passenger side window and prepared my cell phone to snap a picture. I said to the turtle " thank you son, so much, for showing yourself to me today." In that moment, the turtle turned and looked directly at me. I have the picture to prove it.
My Healing Heart
Time passed, as time does. Life goes on! I still miss him so much! Several months go by. I am now taking a long weekend to a beautiful island off the coast of New Hampshire and Maine called Star Island with my yoga trainer for a Rasamaya Yoga Retreat. I arrived at Rye Beach early. It was raining once again.
I had an hour to kill before catching the ferry to the island. I went to the beach in hopes of connecting to Ben in some way. As I was standing along th edge of the rock filled beach, I heard Ben's voice tell me to look for heart rocks. Within minutes, I found a rock the size of a large dogs head, perfectly formed in the shape of a heart. I placed this gem in my car and heard him say to go back. He told me I would find two more. Believe it or not, within 10 minutes I found a medium size and very small perfectly shaped heart rock!
We Are Never Alone
Whenever I find myself in the pits of despair and the deep grief that is the inevitable bed partner to one who is experiencing such momentous loss, I ask Ben to show me a physical sign that his presence is still with me. It is in those darkest moments that the magic of his beautiful essence comes through in miraculous ways.
Yesterday, I found myself in such a state of deep grief that I thought my heart was going to completely shatter into pieces. I give myself permission to feel the depth of my pain as I know this is very healthy and wise and will prevent me from falling into not only a deep pit of despair, but also depression. I feel my feelings! I asked Ben for a sign once again and within minutes, I received a call for my sister Lyndsey, all the way from Arizona. She asked me if I was in a state of deep grief today. I said, "Yes, just minutes ago!" She said, I knew it! I was driving to church just moments ago and suddenly was completely enveloped by a blanket of deep grief and was sobbing uncontrollably. I knew it didn't belong to me. I knew it had to be you." I told her that I asked Ben for a sign that he was still with me. She replied "and here it is. Remember little sister, we are all connected."
For those who have experienced such a great loss in their own lives, I am not special, I am simply open and choose to believe it is possible to communicate with my son's spirit. I can help you too. Sometimes the best way to let go of a loved one is to develop a new relationship with who they are now. I am happy to help in any way I can.
Many Blessings, Judy
